I can’t keep up with time at the moment, especially where work is concerned. I’m not built for this fast-paced world we seem to have immersed ourselves in.
I searched the internet earlier for a way to explain ADHD so my boss will understand – in response to him asking why I’m finding it difficult to make it into the office in a morning. Here’s what I found: “Having ADHD in the morning can feel like waking up with a phone that only charged to 15%. Even the smallest apps – brushing teeth, finding socks, making coffee, drain the battery fast. And unlike a phone, there’s no fast charger.” This is me most mornings at the moment, and has been for months; constantly exhausted, even though I’m sleeping eight hours a night. On top of this, I’m struggling to articulate how much overanalysing, over thinking and second guessing my brain does in order to send a simple email, or have a quick chat. Tiny, seemingly mundane tasks end up becoming so huge I don’t have the energy to tackle anything else.
As much as I enjoy my current job, it’s another role on my list that reminds me I don’t quite belong. It’s exhausting trying to explain how my brain works, when I don’t fully understand it myself. I’ve spent so long trying to fit in, that sometimes it feels like it would be easier to revert back to that familiar, safe path. But I’ve come too far now to retreat – that version of me was never truly happy, and I spent way too much of my energy trying to be something I’m not in order to impress others.
I’ve suspected for a while that I have Autism alongside ADHD – largely because my ADHD assessment showed significant Autistic traits, but I also started to discover for myself soon after being diagnosed that I didn’t feel much relief. I’ve felt like my brain is in a constant battle with itself, contradicting one thought with another. I came across this whilst researching the combined diagnosis earlier, and it’s a really accurate way of describing how every day feels: “It’s like having one foot on the gas and one foot on the brake. ADHD pushes me forward, wanting to move, explore, and say yes. Autism pulls me back, needing order, structure, and certainty. Neither is ‘wrong’ – but the push and pull makes even simple choices exhausting.”
I decided to reach out to my GP today, to push for an Autism assessment; something I’ve been saying I’ll do for months. If nothing else, I’m hoping it will add to the identity I’m trying to find for myself, after spending over thirty years of my life knowing I’m different and yet still constantly striving to be what society dictates.
One small but meaningful step I’ve taken to support myself – especially while I’m so prone to burnout – is creating a steady bedtime routine that sets me up for calmer mornings. So, on that note, I’ll say goodnight.
x