I’ll start with a truth – this isn’t my first blog. In fact, I’ve always loved writing. Putting words to a page has been a coping mechanism for many years, and one that releases a sort of freedom from myself and my thoughts. However, I seem to have lacked the consistency and dedication I feel that writing deserves, and my tendency to self-criticise has left me giving up on one of the only things that really allows me to open up my soul and express how I feel.
But less of that for now…
Using AI to help choose a name for this blog is something I’m happy to admit – not least of all because it’s just cool – but I also wanted it to be important to me. So, here’s why Scars Into Stars resonates with me, and with the purpose of this blog:
Scars = The lasting marks of trauma; Proof of survival; Invisible struggles; The beginning point of healing
We all have scars, and mine were invisible for a large portion of my life. Until they weren’t anymore… Childhood trauma shaped me into someone who wished to remain as unseen, unheard, and unnoticed as humanly possible. Then came 2019, and with it, my beautiful whirlwind of a son. Through his eyes, I was no longer invisible. He saw me, heard me, noticed me – and to him, I was everything. It was the unravelling of me; a wound re-opened that could not be closed without first acknowledging the absolute rawness of the pain and the emptiness I had pushed down inside of me since I was a girl. But I have survived – just as I will continue to survive – and I’ve been working hard make sure the trauma stops with me.
Stars = Transformation; Hope and guidance, Uniqueness, Visibility
My journey so far has allowed me to understand that trauma, no matter how well hidden, finds a way of resurfacing and inevitably twisting its way into every inch of your being; shaping who you are and how you identify with yourself. For me, as an adult in her late twenties, trauma looked like: people pleasing, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression, inability to progress at work, unhealthy relationships… this list is not exhaustive, but you get the picture. Of course, at the time, I didn’t understand that trauma was holding me back – it is with hindsight (and lots of therapy) that I can now see that small girl, and the woman she became, who believed the only way she could be safe, loved and respected, was to put all others on a pedestal and be the most helpful, generous and kind person there ever was. To not complain or disagree, to value all others above herself, and to sacrifice her own mental health in order to be amenable and of service.
Therapy has taught me that I am unique – my own person with my own opinions, values and feelings. It’s taught me that, throughout this journey, relationships will be lost for the better, and not for worse. It’s taught me that I can be visible AND safe – I don’t need to hide anymore, because I am worthy of being seen. I am allowed to shine as brightly as the stars, and be loved for the person I truly am.
My name is Sarah, and I’m here to heal.
xXx